NOVEMBER 2001

  Monday November 19, 2001 @19:52

Well this is my first entry into this journal/diary thing or what ever you want to call it.  I'm sure I should write something spectacular but, LOL I can't even write something without people falling asleep after the first sentence.  I finally got the site up and running, well sort of, I know it needs a lot of work but ill get around to it.  I have been meaning to do that for the longest time.  Well I guess I should talk about what happened to me today, well at college I had this test in hardware class.  I though it was going to be a lot easier than it was but I found out when it was too late.  I did not study two major items that were on it that were worth 40 marks, and because the test was out of 80 I am pretty sure I bombed it.  Everyone seemed to not be too pleased about this test.  Even my friend Rubrix said that he bombed and there were people complaining about the test outside the class so I sort of feel better that I was not the only on who bombed it.  I guess ill just have to work twice as hard on this group presentation we have to do in 2 weeks.  As usual I expect everyone in my group to contribute fairly and do their work on time, of course that wont happen, and I will probably be the worst one out of the bunch.  LOL that is so me, actually I think laziness or as one of my friends calls it being "Energy Efficient" is part of human nature.  Well nothing else really spectacular happen to me today, but I am sure that ill be writing more if something does.  This is so boring for a first entry.  LOL Anyways I am going to go and see if I can do some more work on the site.   BYE :)

  Monday November 19, 2001 @23:04

Well believe it or not I am writing again today.  Just as I finished writing the last entry my friend Konst said he was going to come over, with his brother and his other friend to drop off some defective hard drives that I have to send under warranty.  He came over and of he turned off my 2 computers on my desk to annoy me.  LOL he does that all the time.  He stayed here for a bit and we just talked a little.  I changed the counters on the site because the other ones were not behaving and now I added emote icons to this page.  I think tomorrow, if I have time, I may work on the home page but I have no clue what I am going to put there.  Anyways I have to go to bed in an hour or so and I get to sleep in because tomorrow is the only day I can wake up at 9:30 rather than 5:45 in the morning.  BYE!!

  Tuesday November 20, 2001 @22:56

What a day.  That's all I can really say about it.  It all started off with me waking up late this morning.  When I woke up I knew that I was going to be late for class.  I actually did not want to go in to class because all that was happening were group presentations and those are boring.  My friend Rubrix messaged me to come in so I could pick up a hard drive from him that had to be sent under warranty, and because he is cute :) I can't argue with him.  So I showed up, but I was an hour late.  When I walked into class the first presentation was just finishing up and Rubrix then told me that the next class was canceled so I came to class to pick up a dead hard drive, but that did not really bug me much it was the fact that my other friend or I would call him an acquaintance was being an asshole towards me.  He was being rude and kept saying the word WHAT really loud at me when I said something.  He has done that before but, today, because I was in a bad mood, I had it.  If I had the power I would ban the word WHAT from the English language.  I guess he thought it was funny, but ever since I told him I was gay he has acted differently around me.  He rarely talks to me on ICQ and in person.  I guess me telling him about me made him believe that I was suddenly different and that I had changed, when I really did not.  I was gay when I met him but he is acting differently around me now.  But you know what, I don't care anymore.  He is leaving college in three weeks anyways.  GOOD RIDDENS!!!!  I sent all the 7 hard drives I had to send under warranty today finally.  My mom was being bitchy too she was acting all weird around me as usual and acting as if she is right all the time.  I hate that.  She is never wrong according to her.  She is so stubborn.  Reminds me of a certain friend I talked about earlier, actually my mom and him are quite similar.  They both are rude and they are both assholes.  Hmmm that makes me wonder.  Well I am going to go now and maybe tomorrow will be a lot better.  :P I have to wake up at 5:45 tomorrow morning.  Yippee !!!

  Wednesday November 21, 2001 @23:16

Today was no better than yesterday. It was actually worse. When I got to school this morning I found out that we had our presentations due for hardware class. I was like excuse me, what did u say, but indeed we had our presentations due. I then completely freaked out but was able to compromise with the teacher and get to present later on today at 1:30 in the afternoon. By that time it was 10 in the morning and one of the group members that were supposed to be in my group was not there. Our presentation was on power protection and I thought the best way of demonstrating that was to bring in two different types of UPS's (uninterruptible power supplies). UPS's basically give power to the computer when the power is out. One of the group members thought that we should not bring in the UPS's because it was a lot of work and we did not need the visual aid but I was determined to bring them in, so me and Rubrix went to my house on the subway and when we got there I noticed that my mom's car was in the driveway. So my mom was home and that actually helped us out because after a lot of bugging and persuasion I was able to get her to give me, Rubrix and the equipment for the presentation a ride to the college. For once my mom was actually nice and did something for me, although we fought about stupid things as I asked about getting the drive, but that is typical with me and her. So when we got to the college I had to get one of the people from my class to help me unload the equipment out of the car because I could not find the other member from the group who did not want to have the UPS's in the presentation. So Rubrix and I had to lift the UPS's. Each UPS is 80 pounds each so carrying them around is not fun. The presentations were only supposed to be 10 minutes each but of course the groups ahead of us felt that 10 minutes is too short and that they had to speech the class to death for an extra 20 minutes about useless crap that did not matter. When we got up we did not have power point slides so our presentation looked crappy and when the other group member presented he read too much and took too long to present so it made the class sleep. He also forgot that Rubrix was going to present after him so he screwed up and said I was. But when Rubrix came up it was all good he got to the point on what he was talking about on brownouts and he introduced me and I did my little presentation on how a ups works with the demonstration so it was all good. Even the bitchy lab monitor commented on the demonstration and said it was good. Rubrix said the teacher moved up to the front of the class and I did not even notice it. So we got through with the presentation :), but after the presentation came the hard part. Rubrix and I had to carry the UPS's on the subway and I had forgotten my Metropass at home so I had to borrow money to pay for the subway fare. Going up and down stairs with those 80 pound weights is not fun and since we had carried around the college we were really tired. Once we got to the station that we were supposed to get off at I called my mom and I made sure she picked us up from the station because I was not lugging those UPS's on the bus then walking 2 blocks with them. FORGET IT. Anyways Rubrix and I decided that we will never present with the other person because this is the second time he has screwed up a presentation. So Rubrix also stayed over here for a bit and we talked and watched TV. He also helped make some Kraft dinner lol so I was really happy. I think he was bored but I was happy he came over because I love being around friends. I hate it when I am lonely. Well I got to go to sleep soon it's getting late. One good thing about today was we got that horrible presentation over with. :) Bye for now.

  Sunday November 25, 2001 @22:46

It's Sunday. The server is up and running finally and it is working properly and I feel like shit. The past couple of days... I have gone through a lot. First there was finding out a friend of mine was admitted to the hospital for taking some hallucinogen and he almost had cardiac arrest. I don't know the full story, but when I do ill be sure to talk about it, because he was and still is a good friend to me. But he is doing stupid things like talking drugs like LSD. And it's worrying me because I can't do anything about it but be there for him when he needs me. But knowing that just hurts... it hurts so badly... especially when I love him so much... but what can I do. So I found out about that on Thursday. So Thursday evening was filled with tears. Along came Friday and I thought I had a doctors appointment that day, so I left college early and arrived into the doctors office. I was then told that my appointment is Monday, which is tomorrow so I was a little ticked. I had told my teacher in APC class (Advanced Professional Communications) that I had a doctor's appointment and that I would bring a note from the doctor so I could write my test that I would have missed due to the doctor's appointment. So now I don't have a note for the test so I failed it yippee. I then went home to get something to eat because I was not going to make that class and I did not study for the test at all. I got home and noticed that the car was in the driveway, which meant my mom was home. It seems that she stayed home from her teaching job all week to clean the house. So I opened the front door and took off my shoes. I proceeded to go to my room when I saw the door wide open to my room. I always lock the door to my room and I knew exactly what was going on. My mom had broken into the room to clean my carpets. I had told her that I did not want them cleaned and that if I wanted it done I would do it. She obviously did not listen and on top of that she broke into my own personal space. I was so mad I just put my shoes back on and walked to the bus stop crying because of all the problems that have been happening to me lately. I was really sad and getting unstable because my mom breaking into my room was like she did not respect me at all and that made me feel that she can walk all over me and do what ever she wants. Which is what she has been doing but my room was my own place for me to spend time and reflect on my life. It was an area that was free from problems and away from my parents. Now it isn't. Its safety and security has been violated and that means that I have no place to go to feel safe. I was depressed and that is not a good thing. I do stupid things when I am sad. I took the subway to the area where my old school was and went to an internet café where some of my old friends hang out. I walked in there and some of my friends were there. My friend who was in the hospital was there and he was bragging about what happened. Richard my other friend was there. He was playing Diablo, a computer game, when my friends saw me. They asked if I was high or wasted because I looked horrible. I talked to Richard a little bit and we walked for a bit then we decided to go to my house because I did not want to face my mom alone. He and I were going to watch the iron chef marathon that was on the food network. That is such a cool show. When I got home my mom did not say much to me. I said to her that she did something that I did not want her to do and that she violated my private space. She said nothing and did not seem to care. That is so typical of her. So Richard and I watched iron chef and this other movie, I forget what it's called. He had to leave at 4:00 to pick up his glasses that were fixed. When he left, I suddenly got depressed 3 hours later and I did something to myself that only my close friends know about. What I did was bad because my doctor may see it on Monday and I may be at a mental hospital right after he sees it. I hope nothing like that happens, but if it does, I will still write in this journal thingy. Saturday was another screwed up day. I had work, which was ok. After work I was supposed to go to this party and hang out with some friends. I was told that I was going to get picked up from my house. I called Konst, one of my friends, and said he was leaving. I did not know if he was going to pick me up or not, but he didn't, no one did. I did no really care because I was in a bad mood about something else. My sister's friends were over, which I don't mind except for one of her friends. What bugged me was that my mom was paying for all their dinners at a Chinese buffet called Mandarin. That is over 150 dollars. If I ask for 3 dollars for a slice of pizza I get speeched to death on the inter-workings on earring money. Another thing that got me mad was that my sister was having a sleepover with her friends. I don't care about her having the sleepover but my mom does not allow me to have sleepovers and when. In a previous argument with my mom about sleepovers 5 months ago, I argued about why I can't have them and my sister can, she said that my sister is not allowed to have them too. So I was sort of content with that answer, but since my mom has said that my sister has been allowed to have 2 sleepovers. My mom claims that sleepovers are age inappropriate for me. I don't believe that. I believe that she does not want me having guys sleeping over in the same room as me, but she won't even allow my friends to sleep over in the third bedroom which is across the hall from me. She will never tell me her real reason why I am not allowed sleepovers, which is because I am gay. She will never get over that and I believe she would rather me dead than gay. LOL one day her wish may come true. So it was a shitty night. Nothing much happened on Sunday. It was a quiet day for me, but I am worried about going to the doctors tomorrow. I guess ill find out whether I will be let free or admitted into a hospital tomorrow. If I am admitted, I will have them call my good friend Steve. He is a really nice and caring person and I am lucky to have him as a friend. He always gives me advice and listens to me when I rant about the same problem over and over again. He has always been there for me when I need something. He has been a true friend to me. Without Steve I would have not been alive today. Anyways I have to go to sleep. It's really late. If I don't write tomorrow that means I am in the hospital. Bye :)

  Monday November 26, 2001 @23:36

Another day has gone by in my miserable life. Things just don't get better for me at all. Today was slightly better but I got that test I wrote last Monday back and I failed it. Hmm I wonder if that signifies anything to me. Yup it does, I am a failure. Yippee. I was mad at myself about the hardware test and because of all the other bullshit that has been going on in my life I am ready to go to the college and ask for my next semesters fees refunded. If I do that, I won't have to pay my parents back for my college, I don't know why I have to pay when there is a college fund that will cover it completely. I guess they are just going to go on a nice big vacation when I am through. It will also solve the failure issue if I get out. I won't be failing anymore subjects if I get out of there. Then I may be able to move out of this house because it's slowly killing me. The worse the situation the more pressures and the more coping measures I have to do. I did it again, usually when it gets bad it's only once a week but it seems that I am running out of strength to cope but after I do it I feel a lot better. Like today I was with Rubrix walking downtown and I was ok, not overly happy but ok. Then we went our separate ways to home and I got really sad. I took a 20 min walk and when I got home I was sad I talked to him but it was a short convo. I was not very talkative. After I did it I felt a lot better its weird, I can't explain the feeling, it's like a relief comes over you and your problems leave you for those few minutes. I went to the doc today and he did not notice things so I was ok. He took 6 tubes of blood from me and I have to get an EKG and a chest x ray. I don't know what he is worried about, but I hope its nothing. I get the results of my blood test next week and I will find out something that I am afraid to know the answer about from that test. But I had to ask the doc to do that test. Anyways I have to go. See ya..

  Tuesday November 27, 2001 @23:40

Another day gone by. Well this one was ok. I got a drive from Steve this morning which is unusual because he usually has to arrive early on Tuesdays but for some reason he didn't so I got a drive. I really like it when he drives me because I am able to talk to him about things. I know he gets sick of it but he still listens. Plus it's always fun when he drives. He makes me laugh so much. So just that can put me in a good mood, I defiantly need that a lot sometimes. Anyways, Joey showed up at school today because he had to go to APC class. Joey was the guy I called an asshole last Tuesday but he was really nice to me today so I sort of feel bad about calling him that but I can't take things back once I have said them. I had a slightly rough evening. At around 7 I got in a really screwed up mood. I Messaged Rubrix and I was talking about how I don't give a fuck anymore and how I ma a failure and it was really bad. I feel bad for doing that to him. He is a good friend to me and I know I am stressing him out. I don't want to do that, but sometimes I get in moods where I don't care and then after I have said what I had to say I realize what I have done and then regret it. Rubrix wants to bring me to a councilor but I know that won't help. I won't be able to use help until I move out or I start seriously considering what is wrong with me. Once I decide that I need help then it will be useful but until I decide that it's useless. I have an operating systems test tomorrow on windows 2000. I really haven't studied but I am doing well in that course so I may just be able to study a little and pull it off. Anyways I have to go and I know I have to change the site. I think I am going to make some major improvements to it but I need to find time to do that. This Christmas break I will have lots of time to do that. BYE :)

  Thursday November 29, 2001 @22:58

The last 2 days haven't been that bad. On Wednesday Steve was in a really good mood when he drove me, so for some reason that rubbed off on me. In the morning I had an operating systems test which I sort of studied for, I think I did ok, but it does not matter because I have a good mark in that course anyways. I am more worried about English, APC and Hardware class. I want to pass everything, doesn't everyone, but who wants to take over the same miserable subjects again. Things have slowly toned down in the house. There is less fighting between me and my parents but my sister and my mom started yelling on Wednesday. I don't know why. I fell asleep at 7 in the evening on Wednesday and woke up at 1 in the morning so that messed up my sleep patterns so that's why I am forcing myself to stay up till 11 tonight so I will not be a zombie tomorrow. Rubrix and I have been talking and I think he will not take me to a councilor unless he sees that things get out of hand. At least he understands that and he really does care. I am surrounded by friends who support me and care. I need that and that's what keeps me living. Without them, who knows what could have happened to me. Today was an interesting day. I screwed up on a few things, like there was an internet test today and we were allowed to bring in a cheat sheet, but I left mine at home. I also left the hard drive I got back under warranty for one of Rubrix's friends, but that was ok because he said I could bring it Friday. After school today I met up with some old friends from my old school, so that was fun. We just talked a bit. I have to write an English paper tonight too and also have to write a major English paper for Wednesday so I got to get started on those items. Knowing me I will be pulling an all nighter Tuesday but u never know. I may do it at work on Saturday. Shhh no one tell my boss LOL. I got to get started on that essay for tomorrow now. LOL I may do it in internet class tomorrow. Hmmmm either way I have to go. Bye :)