January 2002

  Saturday January 5, 2002 @11:45

Well it's finally the New Year. I am sitting on the subway to work right now and I thought I would write about what happened to me recently. First I am going to be in a bit of trouble because I am late for work. I mean really late. I was supposed to be there at 9:00 but its 11:45 and I am sitting on the subway going to work. I just hope my boss is not too mad. So New Years Eve was ok. The party was fun. It was a lot more toned down than the other ones that usually happen. I enjoyed my self to an extent. I met a lot of people that I haven't seen in a long time. The only thing that did not make the night enjoyable for me was the fact that I was lonely. Not because I wasn't lonely because I was not around friends, but lonely because I did not have someone to hold and hug, like a boyfriend. Other than that the night was great. I drank a little but not enough to get completely drunk. I just got buzzed. My boss took all of us out to dinner on New Years Eve after work. That was really nice of him. New Year's Day was just a normal day. I stayed home and I did basically nothing. I was a boring day for me. I went to a friend's house this week. We had to go to some scrappers and pick up some stuff to sell on eBay. We went to two different scrappers. One of them had a whole load of old printers come in. I plugged in around 10 but I could not find one that worked. I would be able to fix them but I don't have the time and they are for work so I would rather get one that works right off the bat. I eventually gave up. My friend and I went to another scrapper and we picked up a bunch of UPS's, around 14. One was 140 lbs and it was not fun to lift it. We went to the scrapper over the course of 2 days. Anyways now this gets me to Friday, but my stop is coming up soon but ill just say it has something to do with that guy I met on the internet. I will write this evening for sure. I promise but I have to get going now. Bye :)

  Monday January 7, 2002 @18:51

I know said I would write sooner but I have been so busy. So I have been meaning to talk about Geordy. He is the really cool guy I met on the net. He emailed me from the XY site and asked if I would be interested in chatting. I emailed him back and sent him my ICQ number, I think, or he just messaged me and started talking to me. I talked with him like 3 weeks ago and we sort of hit it off, but I never talked to him after that. I was so busy with all the stuff that was going on the holidays that I hardly had anytime to talk to him and I was not even on line much. I saw him online around a week and a half ago and I messaged him and we started talking. Just by talking to him over ICQ I knew that he was a really nice person. He had this quality about him that just attracted me immediately to him. Anyways he wanted to call me 2 times but I refused because the first time my mom was home and she tampers with the phone or listens to my conversations outside my door, which I do not like at all and the other time I was so tired from work, I knew that I could not carry on a decent conversation at all. When my parents went to the cottage on Thursday of last week that was my break. He called me at around 00:30 on Friday morning and we started talking. I was worried that I was going to screw up or be completely shy, which I always am around people I don't know yet, even on the phone I am shy with them. When the phone rang I was so excited. Part of me was really happy and the other part was really nervous. I picked up the phone and we talked till 6 in the morning. We agreed to meet later on in the afternoon at my house. I told him how to get to Royal York subway station and I met him there and took the bus with him. The second I saw him I knew I would like him. He is a really positive person, which is good because I am negative a lot. Maybe his positive ness will rub off on me. We talked for a little and then he lay on my bed. I know this is not something most people do when they meet for the first time, but after talking to him on the phone and on ICQ, I knew him a lot more than just a stranger on the street. We kissed and kissed and kissed, for around 2 hours. We also watched Tomb Raider on Direct TV. I don't remember any of the movie at all. LOL :). At around 7 he had to go to work so I walked him to the bus stop and made sure he got on the right bus. I walked him and the feeling I had was great. I was actually happy for once. Yes a real happy feeling, not one of those ones that are simulated when I cut myself. I felt like I was on cloud 9. On Saturday I had to go to work again. I did not set my alarm clock correctly so I woke up at 11:00. I was supposed to be at work at 9, but I called them and let them know what happened. They were ok with it. I talked to my boss because one of the employees is not able to work at the end of January for 8 weeks so I am switching spots with him, that means he works Saturdays and I go to work every week day for college till 6. It's good that I am working more because ill make money, but I will have no more life. Anyways I have to go, my subway stop is coming up and I am meeting Rubrix at the station to just wander around downtown. On my ride home ill talk more. Bye :)

  Tuesday January 8, 2002 @07:41

Well I am in Steve's car right now and it's early in the morning. I hate waking up this early in the morning. Yesterday was my first day at school. This semester is going to be really tough this year by the looks of it. One of my first classes is a UNIX class which will be really hard, but I am interested in it because I have a Linux server which runs this website and Linux is close to UNIX. So I hope to learn a lot in that class. The next class I had, the only reason why I chose it was because it fit into my schedule nicely. I think that will prove to be a big mistake so far because it looks like it's completely boring. I am going to hate it for sure. Its is called Outcasts of Literature. What a boring class, but there are some cute guys in it so it will not prove to be so bad after all. After that we had a Windows 2000 class. I am going to hate that because I don't overly like the windows operating system at all. But that class looks like it will be decent. I had to help the neighbour out when I came home from college yesterday. They wanted me to go with them to a Roger's video store to see what the digital cable TV is all about. When we got there it was so busy that we just left after and basically accomplished nothing at all. When I got home I napped for a bit then Rubrix and I talked on ICQ. He wanted to go to the Eaton's center so I said I would go with him. We looked around for a bit and he went into one of the stores. He tried on some clothes, but bought nothing. One thing about me is that I absolutely hate shopping. I HATE IT. I don't mind when it's with a friend but I still HATE IT. After that we went and ate some Taco Bell. Then we walked up Younge Street and I saw this store called the World of Posters. I Went in with Rubrix and we looked around. I saw this Frog poster so I bought it for my sister I know she would like it and for 6 bucks, I could not resist. We then went to a candy store and then we went home. My sister loved the poster and on my way home I met my dad on the subway. It was weird because it was the first time me and him talked for a while. Another thing that was cool about yesterday was that I caught one of the old subway trains that are rarely run now. The old ones are still the best of the fleet as far as I am concerned. Anyways I got to go now. Bye :)

  Wednesday January 9, 2002 @07:53

Well it's the morning again and I am on my way to school. Yesterday was interesting day. My first class was this internet class and I thought it would be a normal type of class, but it is programming Visual Basic Scripts. That is not going to be fun at all because I hate programming. But it may work out for the better if I learn something I can use on the website. The teacher was an elderly man. That surprised me because of the computer geek stereotype. The class looks like it will be challenging but ill be able to get through it. The other class was ok. The teachers talked for like 20 minutes and let us leave. Then I bought the books I needed at the bookstore. It came out to 393 dollars. These books are way overpriced. Then we had that OPS class for an hour. It was ok. After college I went right to work. I had to go on two service calls that are usually straight forward ones. But my luck was the worst. Both TV's had to be brought to the shop. One was a 250 pound Mitsubishi in the customer's basement. I hate lifting those. The other one was a Sony and it was around 200 pounds and it also had to be brought in. I hate it when I have to go on service calls because that always happens to me. When we got back it was already late but we had to deliver one more TV. After all that I finally got home at 7:30. I printed up some stuff for college and talked to people on the net for a bit. I also added the last 3 posts to the site. I was ready to go to sleep when the cable internet went down. That always aggravates me. It sees that a whole area in Toronto lost their connection for a bit and when my friend Danny called Rogers, they did not know what was going on at all. But when I woke up this morning the internet was running again and the site was working ok. Anyways I got to go now. I have been really busy lately. Bye :)

  Friday January 11, 2002 @01:03

Have you ever got that feeling that you just want to crawl into a hole and die? I sometimes get that feeling and tonight is one of those nights. Wednesday evening was a sad evening for me. I don't really know why. I just was really sad. I actually cried for a bit. I would have never thought that with all these positive things happening in my life, that I would actually feel sad. Wednesday was just the start of it. People are mad at me, and I don't blame them. I screwed up so many things so far this week and they are 100% my fault. I let friends down and I screwed things up. I don't know why I still have friends. I really screw things up and treat them like shit. But some still are my friends even after that. I know Steve is just stubborn and won't give up on me and will refuse to. That's why he is still my friend, because no person in the right state of mind would still be my friend after what I put him through. I just feel so bad inside. It's like all the pain that left has found its way back inside me. I doubt now that I will ever get rid of all the pain I feel, because things are going really good, but I just got rid of it temporarily. And right now I am so lonely. The 2 feelings I hate the most are sadness and loneliness. My life seems to be based on the two. I doubt that they will ever go away, even for one week. School is going to be really hard, and I am worried that I may screw up this semester now. I know that I can do it but if I can't get rid of these horrible feelings or concentrate I won't do well at all. But that is expected of me most of the time because I am a failure at most things. I have been working at work a lot lately, which means I am earning money, but I only have 3 hours to my self a day. And those 3 hours will be used up for homework. Anyways I have to go to sleep now. Maybe I won't wake up tomorrow morning. Of course I will, because I am never lucky.

  Tuesday January 15, 2002 @07:49

Well I know I haven't written since Friday but I have been really busy. A lot of things have happened this weekend to make it really memorable, for all the wrong reasons. Friday was just a normal day other than the fact that this really old customer came in to work because he was having problems with his VCR. He had a bunch of test tapes that he wanted us to test out on it. My boss took his VCR and brought it to a TV to test it out. He handed one of the tapes to my boss and my boss put it in the VCR. When the picture came on, the customer quickly pushed eject and took the tape back. Anyone who looked on the TV noticed that it was a home made porn film. The customer got confused and left us that tape to test his VCR out. On Saturday my boss had to see what that tape was all about. He put the tape in the VCR and pushed play. It turns out that the old man was quite busy. THE TAPE WAS HIM AND THIS OLD WOMAN TOGETHER DOING CREEPY THINGS. I almost vomited everywhere. I really felt sick to my stomach. That video would turn anyone who watched it gay. It was really creepy. Anyways Saturday evening Geordy wanted me to call him. So I called him. It was a little late and he had his best friend there. I talked to his best friend for 2 minutes or so. His best friend seemed really nice on the phone. After that Geordy and I talked for like an hour and a half. I really felt lonely because I wanted him to be with me in person when I was talking to him. He is so nice and I really miss not seeing him :(. He wanted to meet up with me on Sunday but I told him I had homework, but I said I can make room for that. He said that I should do my homework, but I insisted that I can do the homework another time, but he said that I am doing my homework. So I did my homework. I still feel really shitty because I want Geordy to be able to come over, but I am afraid what my mom may do. One time when I brought one of my gay friends over she made fun of him and called him fluttery. I don't want her to hurt his feelings. I want to be able to have him over for a sleepover so I can hug him and not feel lonely any more, but my mom won't let me have sleepovers at all. I don't see what is wrong with sharing feelings with someone else. But she does. If I was straight it would be completely different. I am mad at her, but there is nothing I can do. Back in March of last year, when my parents and I had that big fight it was over a sleepover issue. They just don't understand. And I guess ill never understand why they do shit like that to me. Anyways I have to go. Ill try to write about Monday on my subway trip home, that is if I get a seat. Bye.

  Wednesday January 16, 2002 @13:34

Well because I was not working on Monday I got a ride to a station from Steve, which reduces my subway travel time to around 10 minutes. Monday was a regular day. I hate Mondays because I have 3 classes that are 2 periods each which is like almost 5 and a half hours of class and the fact that I have that English class that I find really boring on Mondays, that does not help at all. I found out today that in that English class we have to give presentations. I don't overly hate presentations; I just hate doing the work that is involved for them. It also is a bit stressful for me, so I would rather write an essay instead of a presentation. Anyways I have been thinking a lot about some of my friends. I feel that one of my friendships in particular with someone is hurting that person badly. I know I am a real burden on that person, but he won't admit it. I know that I should slowly distance the friendship because I am causing that person a lot of grief. I know it may be hard for me to do that but it is something that I have to do. I know the person would disagree with me, but sometime people don know what is good for them. Tuesday was a rough day for me at work. One of the units that I was fixing at work, under manufacturers warranty, was not behaving like it was supposed to. I had replaced a part that should have solved the problem but it only improved the unit marginally. That got me into a not so great mood because my boss was not happy. Its not that he was mad at me, because its not my fault, he was mad that the unit was causing so many problems, especially because the unit was under warranty and manufacturers hardly pay the shop anything to look at the unit. It had already given us enough grief. We had already spent over 2 hours on it when I could have been doing more productive things. Plus the customer was screaming at us because it was a new unit and she wanted it repaired right away. I can understand why some people are like that, but they also have to understand that we have no control over some things. I am on the bus right now going to the subway station. Rubrix and I went to subway, the restaurant, and we talked for a bit. After that we walked for a bit and talked. I will talk more about that when I am on the subway. I have to get off soon. Talk later (10 minutes or so)

  Friday January 18, 2002 @23:52

I am really sad. A lot of things have happened lately and they are all adding up. They seem to compound on each other. Geordy and I have been talking. Last night I called him and we talked. I really like him; in fact I am comfortable enough to say I love him. But there is one problem. I can't show him that I love him. I can't express love, because I have no where I can be alone with him. I can't hug him in public because people would stare and make comments. I can't bring him to my house, because my parents will probably see him and make fun of him. They did that once to another former gay friend of mine. They called I am fluttery and made fun of him. I need love. I don't get any from my parents really. I don't know why. When I was with Geordy I was so happy. Se just cuddled together. It was like the best feeling. But I can't do that. My parents don't want me to feel love. Especially when the love involves another guy. I wish I could have him over for a sleep over so we can hold each other all night. But that will never happen. I am gay. And because I am I face restrictions. I can't have sleepovers. I can't express love. I can't feel good about myself. If I can't have those small items then why am I still here? Why haven't I put my hand in a bucket of ice water for an hour, so it goes numb, so when I bleed all the pain out, I won't feel much. Some people say love has no boundaries, but I have encountered the worst boundary of them all. A boundary that tells me that all my feelings are wrong. Many times my mom and I have got in fights and sometimes the topic of my life comes up. I know, through ample proof that my mom would rather me be dead than gay. Then she would not have to face the embarrassment I cause her. I am really depressed because, I love someone, but I cant express that love because of societies views and my parents rules. It is a known fact that people who feel love tend to live longer. Whch brings me to another point. I am really mad at myself. REALLY MAD. Because I am a screw up. I screwed up something in march of last year. I really screwed up because I was not successful. If I was I would not be feeling this horrible pain that I am and I would not be crying right now. I now found someone I love, but I can't express that love because people say it's wrong. I wonder how long I am going to live for if this depression stays constant. I doubt ill have another month left. Shit happens and we all have to go sometime. I might as well save God the trouble and do his work myself.

  Saturday January 19, 2002 @09:05

Well I am on my way to work right now. I am late as usual and I forgot to bring something for a friend. The last couple of days have been really trying for me. I just have been under a lot of stress. On Thursday I was supposed to go with Rubrix downtown but I don't know what happened exactly. I know I was online that evening, but I don't know what happened. He did not say anything and I must have forgotten. As usual I forgot. That should be my middle name. I forget everything. And I mean that. I must be really screwed up to constantly forget everything. Rubrix was really mad at me last night. I don't blame him. I am a horrible friend. He wanted to go downtown somewhere and I knew about this before but I told him to call me from work because I am already downtown, but I guess he did not. When I came home I was so tired form yesterdays events. At work I have to clean up someone else's mistakes and its getting annoying. For example, one of the other technicians estimated for all the wrong things and the estimate was way too high, so the customer refused the unit. I looked at the paperwork and got curious because everything he estimated for hardly goes bad. So another technician and I started fault finding. The estimate said that the microprocessor had to be changed, but we found out the reason why the microprocessor had to be changed was the fact that it was not getting any power at all so how is it supposed to work. Anyways we found out that a regulator feeding the processor had gone bad so we replaced that and a switch and everything was perfect. Then I had my boss call the customer and he told the customer that the computer had screwed up and that the estimate was 97 dollars not 197 dollars. The customer gladly said go ahead at that price. Stupid tings like that are going to make us loose business. The technician who gave the estimate did not even open the unit. He just looked at it, saw the problem and gave the estimate. Things like that give me headaches. Anyways I got to go. I may write later. Bye

  Wednesday January 23, 2002 @23:36

I had a really rough weekend. When I came home from work on Saturday I found out that suddenly my cousins, who came over to stay the weekend because it was my dad's side grandfathers 85 th birthday day. They suddenly all knew about me. There is only one reason that I can come up with is that my mom OUTED me. I was so sad and so depressed. Even though they said that they were ok with me, I could tell that things had changed. They look at you differently. It hurt a lot. It was not her place to let them know. She was the only one with them. So she must have told them. When I am ready I will come out. I WAS NOT READY. This really was bad on me. So bad I resorted back to that stupid thing that I sometimes do. I felt really bad after because I did not know what Geordy will say to what I did. I was worried that he may get mad and not want to see me again. But I could not undo what I had done. Sunday evening I walked near 5ive (a gay club in Toronto) with a friend. We did not go inside because I did not want to go in because I was really shy and uncomfortable with myself. All the people around the club looked so happy and I was thinking how I will never be like that. It did depress me. But I also thought of how much fun it would be to bring someone inside there, so next time I may go in. Monday was a typical boring day. Nothing much happened and it was really boring and I started to come down with a nose cold. Tuesday I stayed home because my cold was not making me feel like going to school at all. I spent most of my time on ICQ and I met this girl. She wanted me to call her so I had nothing better to do so I did. We talked for over 3 hours on the phone. She wants me to go to a club with her one day and bring some friends so she can meet up with me. I think it's cool. She really likes gay clubs so I may do it. Today was uneventful other than the fact that THE MESSAGE BOARD IS FINALLY UP. I have been waiting such a long time for it but Danny finally set it up on my server. I want everyone to go to it and post messages if they want. That's what its there for. Anyways I got to go... Bye :)